Tour De France Bernese Style

Www.the adventures of Gryff..... Yesterday because it was  so warm, we were lounging around in the cool with the odd eyebrow on the old tv. Normally all u can hear is Merlin giving it the old zzzzzzz but him indoors was watching the Tour de France.  Now many centuries ago the Troll did infact cycle quite a lot, six bikes worth of a lot to be precise!  It defeats me how even he could use all these at once, but currently they are all either hung up on the garage walls over our (for that read Merlins) carts or in various states of  disassembly    and scattered every where. But when it came to the end of the race, he was going bonkers (nothing unusual with that then!)  There at the finish line was a bus.... And I mean on the finish line. Loads of little men rushing around like ants, panic, waving of little arms etc, all terribly French!  Merlin looked at me, I looked at him and we both said the same.... Load of Bernese , couple of sets of chains, job done! And then to add insult to injury , they shortened the race by three kilometres because the bus had broken the finishing line timing equipment . Personally I wouldn't be happy if my walk got shortened because some two legs had screwed up, and then they decided they all had the same time! What a mess! As I said, get a load of Bernese in and it would have been totally under control. Four wheels are always better than two anyway. .... More stability, and who says we can't get a head of steam up. Merlin is gone nine and a half now, but you put him in a cart and nobody but another YOUNG Bernese can match his racing start. Bloody fantastic he is. Sets off like a rocket.... Agreed he can't do the distance now, but who needs to with his totty pulling power. Couple of hundred yards with the red cart(Ferrari) and job done. Totty waiting in line. .... Just had a thought, the leader wears a yellow harness in the Tour de France..... Best get a red one for Merlin..... Any other Berners wanting to race give me a buzz. Lots of land behind us and under the trees to keep cool. Cool runnings Gryff

Just how honest is your vet?

Www. The adventures of Gryff.   I have just had my mate on the phone, because she was due in for her hip and elbow X-rays this morning. Anyway duly hungry she and her mum went into the vets and asked for her bill, to bring cash when she was collected. . £100 to theKC £230 odd for the elbows £100 anaesthetic  and the rest for the hips...... Total bill £525. Needless to say, having been given an estimate a few weeks ago of £260 my mate was very firmly turned around and walked out, home to a lovely great big breakfast. Anyway her two legs being rather ticked off with her local surgery asked how much mine were and how much for now. Mine weren't too bad at the lot for £220, and based on my friends weight and the increase of £10 to the kennel club fee, between £260 and £285 for hers. That is nearly half price, or looking at the other vets charges pay for elbows, hips done free! A BOGOFF infact. And mine were done about eight months ago so not that long!  When the Kennel Club is doing its best to get us to check the health and welfare of animals from before birth, are the vets upping their prices to make what  appears to be a huge profit when they should in theory be putting animal health first. Just because somebody is thinking about a litter and trying to do things the right way, do they assume that money is no object?  All this will do is stop  or slow down health checks, and open the door wide to PUPPY FARMS OR PUPPY MILLS who don't give a damn about the care and health of their breeding stock. All I can suggest folks is that aswell as ringing around for a price, make sure u get it in writing with a date to which it is valid.  Anybody with a conscience would only breed from health checked animals, and as our Kennel Club is advised by the Vetinary Council on health matters,  we could soon see ourselves in a very expensive position, with no where else to go.  Normally I would sign this COOL RUNNINGS but today I definately running HOT UNDER THE COLLAR!       GRYFF

Dorothy's red shoes versus feathers....

Www. The adventures of Gryff.... Well all you regulars will know that my two very clever and pretty puppies are now twelve weeks old and creating havoc. Blossom on her first night out, defeated the baby gate and managed to find a way over through or underneath and finished the day nicely with the removal of  ONE riding boot to places unknown. Now she has surpassed herself..... Somehow the little treasure has managed to circumvent the stair gate and help herself to a pair of drop dead gorgeous red patent shoes, which she thought needed re designing!(if you remember her colour is purple)   The clever thing was, she was still on her side of the gate when caught and cautioned.... So did she use levitation? Hook a paw through and pull them through or what. According to the official report, they were positioned  on a stair well above her reach......Yeh of course she couldn't reach!  Then her erstwhile sister Hatty has decided to follow in her mum Freya's paw prints.....  Freya absolutely hates low flying or grass hopping birds. Blackbirds , thrushes, pheasant you name it and she considers them fair game. (Personally I think she's part gun dog but just won't admit it) But in fairness I don't ever remember her showing the girls how to party, but it seems Hatty definitely  has her genes. 1 pidgeon and three sparrows to date... I suppose with a bit of pastry you could make a pie out of that. Makes you wonder what she will be able to catch at twelve months rather tan twelve weeks? Anyway it's nice to know that one pup is quite obviously a genius  and the other a total  athlete . I always said they were opposites but working as a team they would be lethal. Think their respective two legs need to Akers sure they don't see too much of each other while they are growing up...gives a new meaning to DOUBLE TROUBLE. Me , well  I am just perfect, my nanny says so, so it's all Freya's fault. Like mother, like daughters! Cool runnings Gryff

Pearl wedding anniversary with a Nymphomaniac

Www. The adventures of Gryff..... Now tomorrow the 25th is one of those days that should best be forgotten . Thirty years ago in the March, her indoors got totally smashed and said yes to the wrong question....you know the one....WILL U MARRY ME. In fairness as all her friends will confirm, eating sherry trifle is enough to give her a glow and a wobbly gait and she does not drink. Not ever, not never, not if her life depended on it. Imagine her SUPRISE today when wandering through the bank statement she comes up with a DATING AGENCY DEBIT FOR £70. ...... On the eve of her 30th wedding anniversary. Now the fun thing is, was it her getting frisky or was it the troll feeling warty?  Does she ask him WAS IT YOU OR IS IT A MISTAKE, cause she says it definately wasn't her! Or maybe it was Merlin when he went away with Uncle Rob for their blokes/canine weekend away with the lovely Lola the St Bernard. .....NO Merlin has more totty than he can cope with, they would be paying for him. He's the kind of dog you can imagine in harness , with his best vehicle behind, and all the totty putting their bone and biscuit treats into his chest strap.( for that see my eyes flashing bright bright green) the pulling power that dog has over anything female is awe inspiring ! Anyway her indoors insists its not her and has reported it as a fraud. What worries me is that she is only three weeks into using a new computer, and to say she is lethal is the understatement of the year. She tried to change my profile picture the other day and use a photo sent to her by AJ. Guess what, no change in picture and she managed to lock AJ out and unfried her in one easy lesson.... All because it was AJ's picture....and then have you seen my new picture.....OMG OMG how could she do that to me.? Well all I can say is if a trail of blokes land up on the doorstep, I will soon dispose of them, and if its a trail of totty I shall open the door wide, and invite them all in. ......Cool runnings Gryff

E=mc2 berner style.

Www. The adventures of Gryff....  Omg, omg is the troll in trouble or what....he said I was thick and she heard him. She went potty and ripped him up into little tiny warty green strips and threw them out into the garden. I don't think we will ever be able to put him back together again. .... Just proves my other theory.... Us dogs come first!!! Anyway the other theory was the one I was trying to explain when he said I was thick.      E=mc2.   It's really quite easy...E (energy) = Mass ( the size of the Bernese) x c (the speed at which the Bernese is travelling commonly  know as the speed of light) squared ( the width of the butt of the Bernese) . As I said easy or what. What it doesn't include is the velocity at which you hit the ground after one of us has run into you.......that varies from OOOPS to send for an ambulance! Pawstein the Bernese that first discovered this theory lived in Germany and belonged to a two legs family called Einstein and was quite obviously a canine genius.  But like a lot of two legs around that time the family weren't fluent in Bernese or indeed any other canine language and he found it very hard to get his bone breaking new theory accepted or even understood by the average two leg. Finally when all else had failed he dragged them all outdoors after some serious rain, and wrote it all out in a patch of mud. At that point in time the theory of relativity came into being. Quite obviously the senior two  leg took all the applause, ..... (Have u noticed that? If we behave its down to the two leg, and when we don't its our fault! ) and Pawsteins name has since faded into obscurity.  Well I think it's time we recognised the forgotten paws of science. The dogs that went into space for instance..... They should be on our list of heroes too.... The brave family dog who food tastes to ensure that the two legs are never eating something they shouldn't. Or stands in front of its owner protecting it against creatures in the dark..... OK there might not be anything there, but it sure looked good and sounds good at the time. To all Bernese... Let your genius run free, enjoy stretching your mind as well as your body, try teaching your two legs new tricks and taking them places they have never been before, and see if you can solve this one...... Is love a complete circle, with no ends, no start, no finish, or is it a straight line that never ends even at rainbow bridge? Cool runnings Gryff

I need all your help, every dog that reads this, please help.

Twenty odd years ago, the old trout opened a flower shop, and put her first Bernese Teague in as manager and customer liaison . Now great uncle Teague was a bit of a wanderer and on occaission would trot off thro the pedestrian area and apply for a new job at was Woolworths, or the meat counter at Sainsburys. Even with five staff and the customers he could get out unseen. Now there was this lovely old style policeman, 6ft 4 plus, with one of the rounded hats who was called to arrest said runaway, but instead took off his belt, put it thro his collar and returned him to the flower shop.... That policeman became a regular visitor loving all the dogs. Following Teague, came Merlin, and after him, ME..... But the policeman stayed the same. Quiet, gentle and a mountain of support when needed. One day, he called in to say he was leaving. He had been diagnosed with cancer and his chances were not good..... Against all odds ,this brave man made it, he came to work with us as our Saturday staff, as nobody would give him a job because of his health, and then one day he was offered a part time job. Like everyone else he had bills to pay but I think he wanted to stay....we all cried on his last day, but he still dropped in to see us once in a while. Eventually he met his princess and they now have three dogs of their own, and they also joined us at the shop for the odd canine party. Recently Jons health has deteriorated again and now he is once again undergoing chemo therapy. If they can get him into remission then there is the chance of a marrow transplant....if his body can cope with it. Add to that he hasn't seen the dogs for a while and his mind is telling him enough is enough and we might just understand the questions and fears in his mind. His princess is a mountain of strength, and supporting her are their three dogs. SO NOW CAN YOU HELP ME HELP THEM? When us Berners are ill with this disease, we send our prayers and positive thoughts to help the dog and their owners cope..... What ever your beliefs, faith, or none faith, please send Jon Chrissie and the dogs all the positive thoughts you can muster. Your prayers, your healing, any thoughts or messages to let them know we all care. To follow Jons progress go onto Christine Lenton or my page Gryff on FB.  PLEASE PLEASE? Cool runnings Gryff

Not the sharpest bark in the bunch!

Www. The adventures of Gryff .  Did you hear what she just said bout me... Not the sharpest bark in the bunch...CHEEKY MARE! That six sausage rolls she's fined for that . How dare she say I am thick...well that's what  it amounts to. Just because I was not stupid enough to carry a bright yellow rubber dumbbell all the way up the street. I mean, where's the street cred in that?  I don't mind showing willing and chasing it when she throws it, but carry it up the street! That's what Lace or Asti are there for. I mean they are the brats and that's a job for them. My job is to socialise and talk to the ladies and kids like Merlin taught me. To be calm, composed and look handsome and fit at all times. To accept treats and fusses in a well mannered and dignified manner. As for the dumbbell, well I can paste that and the girls to the grass afterwards. Mind you even that's not right for her at times..... It's my favourite trick when I'm out. You let whichever of the Kray twins I am out with go careering off after the toy, give them a decent start so to speak and then grab the end of their tail at full pelt AND PULL. It's absolutely brill! All four legs come off the ground together and they land in a heap on the grass with this silly look on their faces. I sometimes think that there's not a lot I can do right! Make that a scotch egg and the sausage rolls with icecream for chaser. I don't mean it really... She loves me to bits, is just sometimes we aren't working from the same page. Like I am tearing around and she says it's too hot, or the grounds full of holes and I will pull a leg. I know she only does it cause she cares, but what a spoil sport.....anyway I can smell scotch eggs... Got to go. Cool runnings Gryff

Dinner alfresco

Www. The adventures of Gryff. You know the one thing I can say about our two legs  is that we get fed fit to bust! We get all this healthy home cooking, fresh meat and veg, and then just occaissionally we get something that the average vet would have a pink fit over. Chicken tikka masala.... Drop dead gorgeous and we love it. Last night them indoors had Indian and she who must be obeyed was so full of cold that she couldn't eat her tea. What a shame!! Anyway this afternoon a pot of rice and pasta went on with some yogurt and the remains (meaning most of) the CTMassala, together with a great big tray of small cut roast potatoes.....just enough for  seven starving dogs and one big green warty troll. Have to say we have to keep a major eye on him, he just loves our herby roasties cooked in olive oil.  Before all of you go off on one, the taties originate with a vet who is a skin specialist . He says that about 90% of itchy skins are diet related, so the best thing to do if there is a problem is to give us something like shepherds pie and stop all the dog food for four weeks and see if the scratching (or fur loss ) stops. Well that might be ok in some homes but I really don't think Ghostie our jelly gsd would appreciate us eating him! So her indoors every so often does us a tray of roasties with mince or fish as a special treat. Anyway by the time all the rice and stuff was cooked it had all gone this pinky red colour, and for some reason (probably the cream carpets) it was decided we could have our tea alfresco (that means outdoors to any of you who aren't Italian Spinones or  Greyhounds.)  Got to say bbq's and outdoor meals like picnics are the best dinners in the world, and this one was no exception.  And then she had to spoil it all by telling us what a health meal we'd just had.... Yeh like! If it was so healthy why did it taste magic? Everybody knows that stuff that's good for you tastes boring or horrible ......  All I can say guys is, we like junk food , toast, bbq's , roasties and anything pinky red, oh and tuna pasta with herbs......oh and hot dogs(don't tell Ghostie). Cool runnings Gryff

A different Father's Day

Www. The adventures of Gryff. Well looking of FB, it's quite obvious that a lot of you are missing this major person in your lives, so to is my two leg. The troll went off quite happily early Saturday to spend a long weekend at the ancestral troll pit, with the senior generations reliving the football, motor racing, cricket, indeed anything that fell into the Sport/alcohol category and appealed to a dad. Her indoors is not so lucky. So on that  basis, me and Merlin, threw the old bat into the car and took her off for a ride round and a visit to one of my pups Hatty. (Well its my first Father's Day too you know)  talk about grown.... She's beautiful..... She's grown so much, and her little pink nose is nearly all black now. I personally think she could have a career in modelling or films.. She's been on FB quite a few times already, and on I think it was Saturday, she did an impromptu practise for the Andrex puppy. The litte monkey got upstairs and got hold of a toilet roll. You got it.... What wasn't shredded and thrown around the house was wrapped around her like an Egyptian mummy and being dragged  everywhere. Only trouble is, as you try and grab the paper to catch them it just tears off. Anyway I thought it was funny, especially as AJ had saved what was left of the roll and told the family it was still to be used up. Waste not, want not!!!  Anyway when we got home I told the girls about it (the Kray twins) I must be off my barking trolley. Why I did it I will never know? You would think by now I would know better but no. Anyway, seeing how we were spoiling her indoors, we made her a cuppa and the three of us (Merlin her and me) retired to the sitting room, while the girls all lay outside sunbathing. About fivish  her indoors decided we deserved our tea, and you should have seen the garden.OMG. There was chewed up white bits everywhere. Streamers in the rose bushes, the three brooms were scattered all over the place, and they had turned  some of the plants out their pots and chewed up the plastic and shredded it every where. The garden looked like a badly designed black and white chess board. ...... And there sitting proudly in the middle was the toilet roll stand. Her indoors can be quite posh at times, and in the downstairs loo she has (or rather I should say HAD) one of those floor standing ones . You know, one of the posts with a weighted base that stands at the side of the loo. Nice shiney metal one it was with a knob on the top (past tense I'm afraid) . Typical twins in my opinion. Never want to be outdone, always got to be bigger and bestest. Personally I thought she would blow a fuse, but she stood there for a few seconds, looking at the mess then quietly turned around and went back indoors. I have never been so bone smacked in all my life. She got our tea, made herself a cuppa, took a HUGE BAR OF CHOCOLATE out the fridge and went back to watch the TV.  She never said a word to the asbo twins, or anybody for that matter...... Sometimes SILENCE is so loud it deafens you.  Anyway, this morning, I did see her wander off outside armed with a large dustbin bag and yet another yard brush. Don't think the other three will be good for much. ..... Do you. Any way in the spirit of Father's Day, Merlin and I are going out to help her. You know point out any bits she misses and things like that!!! So I will say ..... You never know how valuable something is until you loose it..... Cool runnings Gryff

Thank you Network Rail

Www. The adventures of Gryff.  A while ago we had a bit of trouble with some yobs who broke the stiles down across the local track so they could SCRAMBLE along the river and throw stones, as well  as setting up a camp late at night for the fun of shouting drinking and generally being idiots. The other day I saw this bright orange two leg wandering down the railway track, and he stopped and was looking at the now non existent stiles and the fact that a well meaning country lover had put some 6 by 4 lumps of wood across the gaps to try and stop their 'FUN'.  As I said to him, it's a public right of way but, while us fit and furry canines can limbo dance under the timber, our owners needed the same gymnastic abilities as OLGA CORBETT (look her up if you are too young)  to either try and scale it, vault over it like a high jumper, or better still borrow the transporter from the Star Ship Enterprise to get to the other side. Bless him, he took off his little white hard hat, scratched his head and said that to his knowledge the path was still open and he would try and sort it out. Good as his word, today on our walk (me, Asti and Miss Cat) they were busy demolishing the existing timber to put new stiles in. Can't think why, but after a bit of nudging each other , one of the gentlemen came down to have a word with me. Seemed they all thought that the sight of two BEARS (his words not mine) and a silver white long haired fluff ball of a cat, all going for a walk together was worth a comment. Got to say they were all very complimentary , and one chap even knew that we were Bernese Mountain Dogs. Any way, I would just like to say thank you for our fuss this morning, and the fact that you are working hard to make the crossing safe again, and also access to our other walks on the other side of the track. (Now the two legs have no excuses for one way walks) . And to the gent who shared his Docky (dinner) with us.....TA MATE, YOUR AVERAGE ( Australian for being excellent as taught to me by Merlin (Fortonpark Jackson whose dad was Branbern Special Knight.) Nothing like being Bi-barkable.... Two languages always impresses the totty! And of course the railway men. Cool runnings Gryff

The law catches up with the Kray Twins !!!

Www. The adventures of Gryff. Now the pups have left home, I am finding it increasingly difficult to get the two legs out of bed at 5am. The old trout did twenty years of bright and earlys, the pups arrived, and just because she's retired, she thinks that she can have a lie in every day now. Well this morning, I think it's fair to say she got the shock of her life and flew out of bed! I did get her up, had a bit of brekkie, a quick cuppa and sent them back to bed, and  the phone rang. Her face was a picture, IT WAS THE LAW! Both the two legs clay pigeon  shoot, and the troll changed one of his guns about four months ago, and because there are two licences in the house, all guns according to the local law are listed on both bits of paper. Anyway, somebody had bought the gun down in Sussex and was registering it, AND IT WAS STILL REGISTERED TO US.  Question is, was it a Kray twins special that the two legs didn't know about, or wàs it really a mistake by the gunsmiths that bought it off the Troll. When u buy or sell a gun, both parties to the transaction have to notify the authorities in their area independently BY POST. Unfortunately not always the most reliable medium these days, and the law, using their now national database were throwing a bit of a wobbly. Personally I can well understand this as the thought  of Asti and Lace tooled up to their delicate little ears scares me to death. It would be like the gunfight at the O K Corral in a western. Asti already has disposed of various bodies... Stretch the ostrich, Stritch his replacement, myrtle the turtle is missing, believed lost. Knotted rope was found shredded all over the garden,  pengui had two lots of surgery before finally passing to the ice float in the sky. Then there were at least three teddy bears from the heavy mob, the list just goes on and on.  Oh well, hopefully it's all now sorted out, and the right bits of paper and the article they refer to are now sorted out officially, and her indoors can sleep in peace. I suppose that means she will want a lie in tomorrow.....WELL NO WAY HONEYBUN, we want our  walk and breakfast first. Funny I don't remember her being quite so grey before the phone call...... Perhaps I should suggest she has some new streak things put in her hair to cover up the ones she just got. She always says we are making her feel old. Cool runnings Gryff

Murder most foul

Www. The adventures of Gryff. Cheeky little monkey... I take her out as a special treat with me, and the little mare try's to murder me. So much for canine insurance! Normally I take her indoors and the lovely Miss Lace out on the first walk of the day, but today Asti was giving me so much grief that I gave in and took her first. If ever two sisters were opposites its Lace and Asti. Lace is like her name, feminine , pretty and delicate. (Well as delicate as a berner can be). Asti on the other hand is a tomboy. She's the early warning system, the bumble bunny, the charge and be damned type. Anyway for some reason that now eludes me, I decided Asti could go out first and I would run the legs off her, then catch her by her tail and pull. Love it that trick... You can see all four paws come off the ground together and they fold up and hit the grass. AWESOME!  Anyway the little mare kept running up and down the slope to the river and I thought she was bonkers. Then her indoors decided to send me down to see exactly what she as up to. As I went down she was coming up, and then she turned around and barrelled down after me, and blow me if she didn't push me straight in AND THEN jump in on top of me. I thought she was trying me out for a berner submarine . Needless to say by the time I had hauled my delicate little butt onto dry land, both Asti and her indoors were rolling around laughing their bone shoots off. I have responsibilitys now, I am a mature good looking bloke. They could have ruined my street cred or my good looks. I'm a snow dog not a water spaniel for bones sake! Anyway now you have all had a good laugh at my expense, I would like to wish all going to the DOLYHIR Bernese treasure hunt in aid of Hounds for Heros a brilliant day in Wales tomorrow . I was intending to go but Thea (related because her dad is a Dolyhir) has gone and done that girly thing at just the wrong time. Talk about PMT , grouchy or what. If I didn't know better I would say there were teeth fitted both ends. Anyway have a cracking time, and perhaps third time lucky for me next year. Cool runnings Gryff

Peace perfect peace

Peace perfect peace has at last returned to my humble abode. Over the weekend and today, my off spring have gone to their new homes and are already causing chaos and taking over their respective worlds. Blossom on her first night away from her four legged parents created havoc by proving her skills as a cat burglar. Not only did she by pass the in situ kiddy gate, but she also managed to steal her 8 year old great uncle Caffreys basket and throw him out onto a cold hard kitchen floor, while she ignored all her colour coded ( purple) baskets rugs and toys at his expense. I mean did she go under it, through it, over it? Kiddy gates are not small things are they, at least  this mornings report, apart from the leg on the kitchen table being re modelled and the tiddle in great uncle Caffreys basket was more positive. Her new title is in fact Queen B (lossom) but I have to admit her use of e mail is nearly as good as mine! When I say great uncle Caffrey I do mean it. My mum is his brother, so she is indeed his great niece.
As for Hatty, well the morning before she left, she did with the trolls assistance, a very nice cooked breakfast for the old trout.... a thanku for being spoilt rotten if you ask me. Anyway this morning she was due to be picked up at eight am..... Guess what? They were forty minutes early....SUPRISE SUPRISE. Anybody would think they couldn't wait! Anyway, lunchtimes update was that she had been very very brave and indeed caught a snake in the garden ( for that read a cycle inner tyre) with the express idea of cooking it for her two legs as a SUPRISE for tea!!!! What worrys me more is the fact that when Aunty Lace went to check them out, she did indeed catch the resident BAD TEMPERED GANDER who resides there by the neck, and was seen heading towards the meat cleavers.  Luckily for the gander his squawking generated a rescue party of two legs and to my knowledge he is still domiciled there. Now what do you think would make a nicer dinner than Snake.? Just slow down Hatty, your not a Roux family member yet. Cool runnings Gryff