Indiana Bones

The more I see of Merlin and the things he gets up to.... The more I want to be like him. All his life he's been right at the front of every bodies world. Nearly nine years as a shop front dog, and twice in that time he was the guy who backed a drunk customer out the door because they were giving the girls agro. He carts, he rides around in a motorbike and side car. He goes off to re enactments... Talks to horses and cattle with hat racks on their heads that must be three feet across. And females... Well what ever it is that gets the girls, he's got a double dose of.  Give him a motor of any size and he looks super cool just sitting in it. He's been out in a boat, climbed cliff paths that mountain goats would struggle with. He's been a clay pigeon shooting club mascot, strutted his stuff for charity a dozen times, and on every occaission he's been a perfect gentleman. He is handsome as hell, and his manners are nearly perfect. And , and he ended up on a Bernese Calender as the December pin up. Well at least I can say I have matched that, but I think it was because I was still a cuddly puppy when the pictures were taken, the rest I guess I am going  to have to keep trying at. If I turn out half as cool and laid back  as Indiana Bones then I shall be well happy. Cool running Gryff

She tried to blame me....

She did , she tried to blame me. Wouldn't be so bad but I was totally innocent. Me and the guys all love fresh carrots as a treat. Nothing like a good old crunch down the bottom of the garden. Anyway, her indoors usually just passes them out but this morning she decides to give us a second one for later on. There she was on the doorstep throwing them down to us so we didn't have to get up and she suddenly throws one over her shoulder and it lands on the conservatory roof. Soft old trout! She knows that sometimes her hands don't work right....... How's she going to get that off there now. We got the brush out but she's way too short, not a step ladder to be had, so she called for the trolls assistance. (Now that in itself tells you how stressed she was) . But no even he couldn't reach it. AND THAT'S WHEN SHE SAID IT WAS MY CARROT  SO IT WAS MY FAULT. Cheeky mare, how dare she?  Well I mean.... I was just stocking up before I go on holiday. I might not get another helping of carrot for days. Not sure nanny knows they are one of my favourites.  Typical of two legs blaming us canines, when all the time it's them not making clear what they want from us or expecting us to mind read.  It's only a silly old carrot anyway, bet the birds finish it off.... Oh well time for bed, exciting day tomorrow. Cool runnings Gryff

Guess who's going on holiday?

Yes Me.... Not Merlin in his motorbike, not Freya to stop with uncle Mike and Aunty Kath, not either of the Kray twins but Me Me Me!  I got my own personal invitation, ( well e mail) from my nanny, and she's coming to fetch me on Sunday evening. I should think so too..... I told her how hard I am being made to work, painting and decorating, and she's taken pity on me and says I need to party a bit to give me a boost. ( didn't  like to spoil her opinion of me, but Tizzy and I partied a little while ago, and she's in pup now!) . She thinks I am a good boy and I am not going to let her down. I've already packed a few bits and pieces, my Pâté , biscuits, you know boring stuff like that. If I didn't know different I would say her indoors is trying to get rid of me but she loves me too much. Bet she blubbers  when I wave goodbye.... My only problem is I have cream bits, purple bits, lime green bits and even some dark red bits all over me. Anybody know how I can get them off apart from scratching or brushing them? Both pull so much it's too painful. Her indoors says I wait till she's just finished a wall and go and lay against it. Yeh like shes painted that many walls.! Well as long as nanny recognises me I will be okay. Like a true grandog I have promised to NOT SIT ON THE PATIO OR DINING TABLE, and when I want to go indoors I WILL USE THE DOOR AND NOT GO THROUGH THE WINDOW! That is the kitchen window, and not the patio doors...... See I knew that would impress you. Her indoors says that Nannys can be quite strict so I am to behave... As if I would do anything else! Anyway better go and check what toys and such like I can take. As long as she makes sure I don't starve I shall be happy. Will keep u up to date. Cool runnings Gryff

Canine hallucinations

That's it, I am never ever painting again. It was either the fumes or the homemade ice cream last night but I had one of the worst dreams ever!!! I would much rather it was the painting that was responsible, or even the FIVE thunderstorms we had last night but the ice cream was gorgeous.... Not bad for a farty old troll ( oops sorry I meant warty old troll),  her indoors has always taught us about bangs and strange noises  so we were okay, but she forgot to teach the cats. Fatcat, Misscat, and Cocoa were literally hanging from the light fittings. We tried no lights all lights, loud music but in the end we put them all in Ghosties big crate, with him as their teddy paw, and shut the door on them till they went to sleep with him. Ghostie being a rescue and very nervous was an absolute star, he kept kissing them and nudging them till they calmed down,and them we took our chance at some sleep. Well I dreamt that I was just coming in from a walk, into a strange kitchen... And beside the sink was one of those old fashioned plastic three tier veggie towers. When I looked down by the water bowl in front of the sink there were what looked like little pale turquoise pearls rolling around. The more I looked the more I thought I could see legs on them, and then suddenly the back door flew open and in marched about five huge massive shiney TURQUOISE cockroach things. They must have been about a foot long each one , and they were all lifting the same leg at the same time, just like an army. Any way I panicked and ran out as they started off under the veggie rack. I must have been so scared because her indoors said my paws were going so fast she thought I would wake up.  Well I am going to tell her that no way is she having that colour in anywhere you will find me. I mean that's the colour of the lid on our butter and that quite put me off my pâté and toast this morning.  I mean it guys.... Be careful of shiney giant turquoise cockroaches in somebody else's kitchen . Hope u all made it through the thunderstorms ok. Cool runnings Gryff

Merlin goes psychedelic

At last I know what they are up to.... Sneaky and  naughty..... But I know..... As usual we got dragged out of bed at some undogly hour, her still saying its too hot later on, and I waited till she opened up the van to cool it down. I hid behind the front door and once Merlin had hopped in, I crept in behind him. Now her van has two vertical rear doors and only one was open, so she just didn't see me... Sneaky or what!  From the front door into the van... Less than two seconds! Sometimes I amaze myself. Anyway off we went  and eventually pulled up in this big yard. There was this great big barn and her indoors has only decided she's going to decorate it. WHY! The ceiling is that high that you need to be a bat to fly that high. The walls seem to stretch on forever and and the floor is all wrinkly and cold. I love the cold bit though....  Merlin by this time is choosing paint colours. Thought I had better jump out the van and let them know I was about. Her indoors was not too happy but there wasn't much she could do about it. Anyway, old Merlin has now decided on purple , lime green and cream. Got to say, by the time he'd finished, one half of his butt was cream, the other half was lime green and he had purple spots all over every where. What was worse was that my ear was cream , the end of my tail was green BUT I didn't have any purple anywhere....yippeeee!  She had us working our ears off. Up ladders, washing rollers, squidging out paint brushed .... What does she think she's doing?  Anyway I feel a bit better now I know what she's doing...... All I have to do now is find out why? Any ideas guys....... Cool runnings Gryff

Too darn hot!,

It's too darn hot.... I've decided. My paving slabs are warm, my drinking waters warm and most of all I want to take some fur off. Her indoors s still messing me about. Came in covered in cream spots this time, and I still can't get an answer out of Merlin.... Cantankerous miserable old fart! On the plus side I just happen to know that we've got ice cream for supper tonight. Last night I was feeling a bit down, so I plonked myself on the table and I told her straight.... When she's down she gets chocolate, well I like ice cream. Just when it's started to go runny and soft and its just so lickable..... That's the best way. If your not careful Freya will swallow hers whole and then try and steal another lot.  And another thing, she keeps disappearing all day, it's really beginning to wind me up. Think tonight I will have to try a different approach. Merlin and me, we are her special boys.... She never goes anywhere without us. I know she keeps saying its too hot for us to travel but is it really?  Anyway I can smell tuna pasta wafting out the kitchen..... Think I had better go see what's going on.  I personally see no reason why we can't have icecream for tea but she won't wear it. See u later...Cool runnings Gryff

Something is going .......

I know it is, I am absolutely sure it is, and more to the point , nobody has told me what it is!!!!! Her indoors keeps creeping off at stupid o'clock in the morning, after she's dragged us out, and coming home looking like she's had a trolls make over. She's all covered in green splodges and  her nails are green, even her hair has got green streaks in it! And then last night, she turns up with Merlin in tow. He's been on one of his retirement short breaks with his bit of totty Lola the St Bernard. Never known a dog have a retirement like his. He calls here, stops there, goes out in his side car, down to the beach,  but in fairness I have to say, when he got home last night he hopped into his saggy baggy thing, had tea in bed and apart from the snoring we haven't heard a bark out of him. In fact he even went a little poddle on his own this morning. BUT the fact remains he knows what she up to and I don't! Keep walking by and giving him a nudge but he's having none of it.just lifts a lip and tells me to go away and  PLAY. PLAY! ME HOW OD DES HE THINK I AM? Well personally I think it's a bit warm, so while I consider my best options to get it out of him, I shall go and lie on my big cold wet towel, strategically parked in the shade. There has got to be a way to find out..... Cool runnings Gryff

Two dog bobsleigh team.

Who says Bernese can be a little bit slow on the uptake, who says Bernese  can be stubborn , and who says we don't like sports? We love sports.... bobbling , hedgehog hustling, stick renovation, snow ploughing and now bobsleighing. You can forget fetching a ball or football.... We go for the unusual and the hyper active. Just like the girls at the moment......  Normally we stick to the lovely cool tiled floor in the heat, but the last week or so Freya and Asti (mother and daughter team) have taken to sleeping with the troll. I know, I know but somebody has to do it! I personally think they have taken it into their heads to do a bit of troll sitting while he comes to terms with his little problem. Anyway, her indoors is still insisting we go out at some undogly time while it is still cool. Now the girls are torn. Walk or lie in, the upshot being they don't get up till the last run, when their names are called for the last time. They fly off the bed, bunch up at the top of the stairs and come down with Asti in the lead and Freya supplying the speed at the back. They toboggan  over the ridges on the stairs, hit the rug on the bottom, and let it slide as fast as possible towards the solid wood front door.  Marks are given based on 1) the speed at which they jump off the rug before it hits the door. 2) the number of wrinkles the rug ends up in piled up against said door and finally 3) the grace with which they pirouette  and change direction by 180degrees to ice skate the wooden hall floor towards the kitchen door. Time of course is also a factor as is the number of step edges that contact is made with (less being more speed so therefore more points.) marks are out of 100 , split up into five sections of 20. Bit like your ice skating really. Excellent especially as I am thinking of adding an extra category based on how much they wind her indoors up by doing this.... She says they could get hurt but I don't think so. Too sharp by half those two! Then of course there is the ancient sport of Bobbling. This a much maligned sport and can be played from dead slow to excess speed. It's origins are hidden n the bones of time, but basically it's very simple. Points are awarded for the number of green round bobbles OR the large variety thistles collected by the sports dog based on location , amount of matting caused, and difficulty of removal. Sports dogs have a prescribed distance they can travel ( irrespective to the dogs size or coat type) at their choice of speed. Extra points are awarded if bobbles are placed on the inside of ears, in the feathers just to the sides of a tail, or in the long fluffy bits by the ears, OR the bobbles are damp and disintegrate during extraction. The use of  scissors is of course an automatic disqualification . Any large thistles are of course ten points each  and the one with the most points wins. PLEASE NOTE! THIS IS BOBBLES NOT GRASS SEEDS AN ENTIRELY MORE DANGEROUS AND EXPENSIVE  GAME, as is WASP SNAPPING  BEE BAITING and TOAD TAG! ALL OF WHICH WILL GET U VISIT TO THE VETS AT BRAKE NECK SPEED. My personal favourite is Hedgehog Hustling, but I will tell you about that another day. Cool runnings Gryff.                   PS. Merlin just cleared of motorbike and sidecar racing with uncle Rob. Who says speed is not genetic?

Canine Diplomatic Immunity

There are times when I am so pleased that I possess Canine Diplomatic immunity and four paws rather than two hands and two legs and a machine of any type. About as far as I can go is my Bone Pad, and there are times when I think my paws are now too big for that. Him indoors is still having a bad week, and he has gone from a troll like deep green, through blue and is now bordering a deep shade of purple. His little warts are now standing out so far that I worry for him..... And all because of things that he can't control. Apart from still needing time to get used to being sugar intolerant ( the D word is now banned) the printer and the computer upstairs, although standing side by side are no longer talking to each other. Basic  normal couple then !  The printer has recently thrown a paddy till it got a full set of SAME NAME ink cartridges, having originally said it only needed a black one... (Do you think it's FEMALE by any chance). And now she's (sorry IT) saying that it doesn't recognise the make of cartridges, and this has been going on for a couple of hours now.  Added to that is the fact that SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED made him help with the housework while it was cool has not helped his blood pressure at all. Infact as a precautionary measure we are all in our cool bunkers scattered around the garden with our tin hats ready for action.  Personally I know you two legs love to tinker with machines but why? All you seem to do is get cross crosser and eventually explosive. I suppose there must be the odd two legs that has an affinity with these little boxes but aren't we better? We are soft , comforting, responsive, usually rather gorgeous to look at, and always there when u need us. Agreed we have the odd annoying habits - shaking up the walls when we are wet, pinching all the bed to the expulsion of the two legs, the odd paw print, selective deafness , moulting as we walk through the house on the cream carpet.... But generally speaking we are quite easy going. Well I know I am! Her indoors says my most annoying habit is when I jump on the patio table, and walk through the utility window. In fairness I only do when she's just wiped everything clean ( just got to....) and I think the bit that really annoys her is because I am about two feet taller than her. Never mind I know she still loves me.  Cool runnings Gryff

A new source of income V dead troll walking?

Www. The adventures of Gryff. Well as you are aware, the troll is really struggling with the diabetes thing. Denial is an understatement, while the desire for the wrong things just increased X10. Got to admit I am getting used to some of the short sharp words that sound like our barks, while his undercover 00k9 moves are quite in keeping with 007. Could even call the film Barkfall or Skybone! Anyway his move this morning was quite smooth.... Her indoors is insisting we all walk on our own at some unearthly time in the morning so that its cool and we don't run around like lunatics and overheat BORING!... And he offered to do the toast. Now six dogs plus two for the trout as he was having cereal is 8? By my paws anyway! Anyway she suggested he take two out while she did four...more exercise for him....and as they crossed on the last run she asked about the toast. Anyway when she got in there were only four slices and a couple of butter knives on the table. So of course Asti and I got the blame for the shortage. In fairness she did cop me with a crust sticking out my bone Shoot, and Asti had black bits on her teeth, but then again he did pay us to take the pressure off. What he didn't do was remove the BUTTER KNIFE WITH BUTTER AND PEANUT BUTTER ON. What a plonker!!! Anyway her indoors cut four more slices , toasted them and waited for him to come back. She gave him his coffee and asked what he was having for breakfast. First it was cereals, then perhaps a slice of toast with fresh fruit etc. Eventually after the four innocent dogs had had their pate on toast he decided that's what he would have..... But with peanut butter. You know, just a little bit like the book said.  She turned round on him and bit so hard I was down right proud of her. DO U REALLY THINK I HAVEN'T SEEN THE BUTTER KNIFE? DO U REALLY THINK I AM THAT STUPID etc. and the best bit was about him blaming the poor defenceless little puppy dogs that couldn't defend themselves from charges of stealing etc. He got all huffy and said that dogs shouldn't steal, and she told him it was all his fault for leaving the toast where it was nose height etc etc etc. Nice one mum! Wonder how much he will at s to take the heat off next time, but I must remember to eat or lick up all the evidence next time. Good luckTroll, think you might need it. Cool runnings Gryff

Troll with PMT STEALS OUR DINNER!

Www. The adventures of Gryff. About two tears ago our dear (as in bloody expensive) warty troll was diagnosed with Diabetes .... And yesterday, all his miss spent time, chocolate and alcohol tasting caught up with him.  His last two serious tests, spaced three months apart have been failed miserably. The last but one, on her indoors instructions, he came clean about. The multi packets of Mars, Marathons,  Picnics and CDM's were admitted to, as was the crates of energy drinks and alcohol , so a reprieve of three months was instated by the powers that be, providing he behaved..... Which of course he did for about 48 hours !!! Then as the last test came due, he behaved for another 24 hours on the basis he wouldn't be caught.....WRONG! The sugar had gone up even more... And now it is official, HE HAS OLD AGE WARTY FOUR TOED TROLL DIABETES. Have u ever seen a Troll in a temper, denial, and throwing his toys out of the ancestral pit? Not to mention the roaring of rude sayings and short sharp words, most of them beginning with a letter F or S. Not a pretty sight! Anyway after collecting all his blood letting kit etc the absolute darling of a nurse also informed him that his Cholesterol was too high.....  More expletives, which being a gentleman canine I will not sully your delicate young ears with. Anyway her indoors has cleared out all the no goes and replaced them with half of this, a little bit of that, and loaded mouse traps on anything she should know about. Unfortunately, she forgot to load both our black pudding and our bio yogurts, or rather she thought they would be safe as they were on our menu for another moonlit canine picnic tonight. Now consider the fact that there are two fridges in this kennel, one ours one theirs and these items were definately in OUR FRDGE!!! Anyway her indoors cooked our herby pasta with fresh meat in and went to get the black pudding to cut it up and add with some gravy and the odd bit of kibble. (She says its too hot for herby potatoes... Our all time favourite) when she notices part of the BP has been hacked off and has disappeared. Then she notices our yogurt has gone missing! All I can say is now there is a bad tempered troll missing, and the hole that I spent hours digging overnight is now filled in and flattened off. Well done doggy team, excellent work, and her indoors.  Cool runnings Gryff

Candle lit picnic

Www. The adventures of Gryff.... We have just had a lovely candlelit evening having a doggy picnic in the cool. All day it's been muggy and hot, and her indoors must have filled our three water bowls up a dozen times each. Normally  if its  dry, about 11ish, the kettle goes on, the digestive biscuits come out,  and we all adjourn to the patio table. Infact since her indoors stopped working, it's become quite a tradition. Today it was cooler  on the kitchen tiles,  and even after our early morning walk we were all a bit warm, so she made us chill out all day. Got to say tea was a bit of ok. Usually we are outdoors and don't smell it cooking, but today we could smell it and it was driving us crackers. Anyway it was decided we could all have our tea outdoors which was great. Got to say we really got her going with all the bowl swopping. She just couldn't keep up with us. Merlins bowls got tablets  in, Asti has different biscuits, I get more than everybody else cause she says I'm a skinny bag of bones, Freya h as less biscuits and more pasta etc etc. infact I'm suprsed she remembers it all ( bit of old age dementia now and then). Anyway she called  time and we all had to crash and sleep it off. By the time we woke up  she'd got the candles burning and a book out and peace reigned. By about ten the kettle went on and after a bit of cajoling we got her to get the biscuits out. Our missing  morning biscuits which were now eleven hours late. Got say I think evening picnics are brill. A few special treats, a snooze, a bit of a game and then out with the biscuits. What more can we ask for. Anyway now it's time to blow out the candles and head for our baskets. On second thoughts, I think I will open the baby gate and let Freya and Asti upstairs..... Why should the troll have a bed to himself??? Merlin Ghostie and me, we'll we will stay on the cool tiles and look after Lace. You just never know when there's a cat coming through the window.....Cool runnings Gryff